The Adventures of the UGSS Beryl #311
“The Dread Splorkoid Sonic Vacuum Disruptor”

	The story to date . . . as you remember, our intrepid adventurers are members of the crew of the UGSS 
Beryl with an unending mission to explore the frontiers of space, discovering strange new life forms and 
civilizations and destroy them!  The UGSS Beryl was on a routine expedition of the Plensars sector when it 
detected strange emissions from the Tarmalon system.  The group contacted UGSHQ at Frandor immediately.  
The UGSHQ directed the UGSS Beryl to investigate but to proceed with extreme caution as the Tarmalon 
system was a suspected Splorkoid stronghold.

	The UGSS Beryl and crew made way for the Tarmalon system with all haste.  The current episode 
begins when Tharn, the science officer, begins scanning the star system.

Persona Dramatis

Captain of the UGSS Beryl, Thomas Jefferson Cha:  Tom is the leader of the 
expedition.  He is known as a demanding but fair leader.  Tom is noted for his extreme 
punctuality; nothing irritates Tom more than someone or something being late.  He is 
extremely generous and quite heroic --- melodramatic would be a mild description.  
Tom comes from a long line of explorers.  In fact, he was born in the gravity well of a 
black hole.  Captain Cha was raised on Arivus.  Thomas is quite well educated; he is 
both a successful adventure novelist and a doctor of divinity for the Church of Light and 
Universal Tolerance of Sentients (CLUTS).  Tom won a scholarship to the UGS Space 
Academy based on his writing skills.  Tom joined the UGS Space Service (UGSSS) for 
adventure and material for his writing.

Science Officer of the UGSS Beryl, Tharn [True name unpronounceable]:  Tharn is a 
radically symmetric plant like creature with limited ambulatory capabilities, but he has 
the capability to communicate with sentient creatures using a form of semi-telepathy 
and can move objects weighing up to five pounds with a form of telekinesis (the TK is of 
limited range though).  Tharn is from the planet Thagan.  Thagan is in a quintinary 
system (five stars); so, Tharn along with his entire race is both very resistant to radiation 
of all types and able to see across a huge band of the E-M spectrum .  Tharn has a 
specially constructed wagon which he uses for excursions outside the ship; the wagon 
must be pulled by another crew member.  Tharn has an exotic allergy to broccolium gas.  
Tharn joined UGSSS for the thrill of learning about new planets and species.

Chief Historian, Massalla Wa’cla`cla:  Sal is from Earth originally.  Sal’s family was 
part of an ill fated expedition to the gamma-beta-aleph sector.  The group crash landed 
on an artificial world where the whole expedition was captured and subjected to horrid 
experiments by the native life forms.  Sal awoke on Earth, apparently aged thirteen 
years with a bionic left leg and a strange, aquamarine birthmark on his left arm.  He also 
found he had a photographic memory.  Sal was curious if others had had experiences 
similar to his own.  Sal proved to be an excellent historian and eventually ended up an 
influential advisor to the Leather Queen, Chief Matriarch, of Earth.  An unfortunate 
incident involving a maid required Sal to depart with all haste from the royal quarters; 
his hobby of building and flying helicopters came in extremely handy at this point!  
Sal’s friends describe him as slightly aloof and patient.  Others would point out that Sal 
is always late.  Sal joined UGSSS to escape execution.  

Space Weapons Officer, Qwerty [True name unpronounceable]:  Qwerty is an insectoid 
creature from the planet Mozariq; the Mozarians are quadropedal and use the front two 
claws for manipulative actions.  The Mozarians have a hive culture, and all members of 
the hive serve the will of the Queen.  Qwerty was always a little of a non-conformist and 
frequently displeased Her Eminence in his local hive.  One day though Qwerty went too 
far, and the Queen decided to “retaliate” by sending Qwerty on a very dangerous 
mission.  Qwerty was grievously injured, but “luckily” the medics at the hive were able 
to save his life.  The Queen informed Qwerty that he was very fortunate, because a large 
portion of his brain was damaged in the attack.  The local medical cresh had developed 
an artificial brain to take over certain of Qwerty’s higher functions.  It is a large dome 
spaced piece of metal which constantly hums and clicks, and it has numerous lights 
which flash on and off in random patterns.  Qwerty found he had “lost” most of his 
emotional capabilities, but his ability to solve logical problems increased tenfold.  The 
only joy for Qwerty after the “operation” was serving the will of the Queen.  
Unfortunately, the last thing the Queen did was to go on a hunting trip with Qwerty.  
The Queen was killed, but the last instructions Qwerty’s “brain” received was to enjoy 
the use of weapons.  Qwerty was exonerated for the Queen’s death, but he found 
himself unable to function in normal society.  Qwerty truly “enjoys” his work with the 
ship’s weapons systems and frequently (far too often for any sane person) volunteers for 
combat missions.  Qwerty joined the UGSSS for the chance to  work as a unit with heavy 
weapons.  Qwerty longs for the day when he can merge his consciousness with a 
weapon of mass destruction.

Engineering Officer, Slurp [True name unpronounceable]:  Slurp is a bipedal reptilian 
creature from the planet Ignitz.  Ignitz is hot and dry with a slightly higher gravity than 
Earth; so, Slurp is very strong for his size [able to pick up Styrofoam rocks nearly as large as 
he is].  Slurp was born in the Temple of Ignitzian Supremacy.  Slurp is committed to the 
ideal that all non-Ignitzians are inferior, and he is more than willing to arm wrestle 
anyone to prove he is right!  Slurp had a bad experience as a child.  His first love was 
with the agricultural director of the local tribe, but later he made two horrific 
discoveries.  First, she was an android, and second, even at that she had been unfaithful!  
After that Slurp became the bitterest lizard on two legs!  Slurp is described by his 
friends as argumentative and tactless, and those who aren’t friendly toward Slurp have 
rarely lived long enough to say anything!  Slurp takes great joy in carving his sigil in 
any new place he visits or enemy he fells.  Slurp joined the UGSSS for the joy of 
destroying life in all its variegated forms.

Items of Note

	The UGS and the Splorkoids have been in a state of perpetual war since their first mutual encounter 
some 150 years ago.  The Splorkoids are a feline, bipedal race with two heads (oddly, one head is always 
slightly off center on the torso and seems incapable of action!)   The Splorkoids fly in large “saucers” which 
appear to be two paper plates covered in tin foil.  The Splorkoids have very woolly bodies, frequently not 
matching the fur on their heads, and human hands; although some very evil Splorkoid leaders wear black 
leather gloves.  The Splorkoids are noted for opposing goodness and UGS plans at every turn and no adventure 
of  the UGSS Beryl would be complete without a Splorkoid fight scene.

	The UGSS Beryl contains a fully sentient creature named Pops.  Pops was installed on Thagan and 
thus contains many directives on peace, co-existence, ad nauseam.  Pops has no love of combat (might damage 
the ship!) and will always attempt to talk the crew out of any plan involving weapons firing or even more 
urgently any plan involving enemies firing at Pops.  None the less, the UGSS Beryl is fully equipped for its 
mission!  It has lasers, missiles and shields.  The UGSS Beryl’s most devastating device is the experimental 
“nuclear beam.”  Everyone knows that anything nuclear is both dangerous and incredibly powerful, much more 
so than either fission or fusion!  The crew generally only uses the nuclear beam only once per episode (for cost 
reasons), and the beam almost always completely destroys whatever menace is threatening the crew (unless the 
menace is slated to appear in a later episode).