Disclaimer: Medical problems should be addressed by a licensed
physician.  BRML assumes no liability, expressed or implied, for the
behavior of those who read this document.  Do not read this document,
under any circumstances.

The Purple Book

1.0 The Purple Book: An Introduction

        Look around you.  Really stop for a moment and examine your
immediate surroundings, wherever you are, at whatever time you are
reading this.  Do it now.

        No, you didn't really stop and examine your environment, did
you?  You just went right on, reading the next paragraph.  That's
okay.  But please.  Take exactly ten seconds right now to look at all
the things and experiences that are taking place around you right now.
We'll wait.

1.1 Okay, Now You Can Read This

        What quality do nearly all of the things that you see have in
common?  They are tangible, sure.  You can put your hand on many of
them.  They occupy space, and may have weight, and texture, and color.
But two things are necessarily true of 97.2% of the things that you
examined just now.

        Would you think it necessarily impossible, bizarre, incredible
if we told you exactly what you are seeing, right now?  We can.  Two
things are necessarily true of all the things that you perceive now.

        First.  They were produced, all but 2.8% percent of them, by
people and things that DON'T LIKE YOU and want to extract as much
blood and love and time from your precious self as they can before you
nose-dive into the grave.  And yes, this is the ABSOLUTE truth.  Your
clothes were made by someone else, and you probably paid higher than
wholesale at some fashionable store, and you fattened the pockets of
some tubercular old white men by paying for them.  The furniture, the
walls, doors, all those things were made by someone else, and they
wanted to overcharge and neatly screw you before giving you these
things that you need to survive.  High-impact plastic, thin aluminum
construction, durable fiber composition, designed to give years of
service, cracks or bends within the first week.  Turn on the
Japanese-made television, if you like, and wade through hours of
infomercials to see news reports of twelve-year-olds gunning down
crack dealers in the streets of your city.  Congressmen vote
themselves pay raises while homeless people die like flies in the
November cold.  Oh, but if you support their plan to create JOBS and
restructure the ECONOMY and LEVEL THE PLAYING FIELD, everything will
be just hunky-dorey, just take your money and send it discreetly in.
And if you want to change your neighborhood, you need to perform
community watches, do volunteer work, GIVE FIVE percent of your
nonexistent income to people that you don't know.  Right now you see
no free lunches, no earned-income tax credits, no foreign aid.  There
is nothing before you that you don't deserve, ten times over.

        Here's the second thing that's true of everything around you.
Nothing has the shiny, vibrating, rapt quality that it had when you
were a kid.  Nothing's new.  Everything sucks.  Bills, dental work,
adultery, recycled aluminum, Evian water, treadmills, simulated
leather jackets, newspapers, portable fax machines, the national
health care system, tofu.  All these things are products of your
grown-up world and they all BITE beyond any hope of atonement.  When
was the last time that you had a lollipop?  Months?  Years?  Or are
you worried about cholesterol, or fat content, or calories?  What
self-respecting kid worries about these corporate multivitamin
mind-control words?  Face it.  Things were cooler when you were under
seven.  You had freedom to eat, sleep, and live.  But now, things are
dull, prosaic, and lifeless.  Now you eat to keep up your strength to
work to make money to eat.  You require all the things you have.  You
have few toys, little candy, no relaxation.  Look at the things around
you and see that your natural creativity, intelligence, and zest for
life has atrophied and withered since you were ten.

1.2 You Are Not You

        You did not "grow up."  YOU HAVE BEEN CHEMICALLY MODIFIED,
without your knowledge or consent, to ACT LIKE AN OLD PERSON.  Your
creativity is THERE.  Your heart is THERE.  For twenty-eight years,
all people over the age of seven have had their highest desires
SUBORDINATED constantly by an emission of mind-controlling paramecia
(MCP) into the ozone, which occured on January 4, 1965.

        You haven't heard about this accident.  It's well enough that
you shouldn't, for if the full details of the incident should come to
light there would be WIDESPREAD RIOTING and MASS DESTRUCTION.  Suffice
it to say, for the moment, that you are NOT responsible for losing
your happiness, your drive to joy, your soul.

1.3 Tell Me About It Anyway

        Okay, okay.  It began in June of 1964 in Plain Fields,
Colorado.  We will mention here that most of what occured is part of
the public record (Greeley Intelligencer, June 64 through February 65)
and you can certainly look it up for yourself.  We don't suppose that
you've ever heard of Dr. Adamil Kresshausen or the Bacteriological
Research Institute of Colorado (BRIC).

1.4 No

        Few people have.  Dr. Kresshausen was involved in a secretly
funded government project to create a new form of biological warfare.
Under the guise of biochemical research for a leading drug
manufacturer, Dr. Kresshausen experimented with injecting RNA
fragments from various carnivores into paramecia.  By applying these
fragments along with selective use of X-rays, Kresshausen was able to
create paramecia which were invulnerable to conventional sulfa drugs.
Furthermore, these paramecia were only .0005 microns in length -- much
smaller than the average paramecium.  So small, in fact, that they
could not be detected with conventional microscopes.

        When one of these paramecia is introduced into a laboratory
animal, no side effects are visible for months.  Then, slowly, the
animal begins to become irritable, ill-tempered, and self-destructive.
The animal no longer eats, runs, or plays with the vigor that it used
to.  It prefers to eat unhealthy meals.  In the case of a gerbil, in
prefers to control the exercise wheel, and not let other gerbils share
the wheel.

        One thing was clear from these experiments: the RNA fragments
themselves did not cause the personality change.  It was, rather, the
mammal's own immune system reaction that manifested the disturbances.
Dr. Kresshausen postulated and later isolated the first antib-RNA
(pronounced anti-barnee) cells in a laboratory animal.

        From the _South_Central_Colorado_Journal_of_Medicine_, 5:34-35:

                "The data indicate that while the RNA fragments in
                themselves are not lethal, the immunodeficiency produced
                by their interaction with the subject can be
                psychosocially disabling.  More study is required before
                the RNA agent can be considered for military

        Shortly after Dr. Kresshausen published this article, he
disappeared.  A five-line story in the Greeley Intelligencer (January
19, 1965, p. 14) indicated that he was missing.

        No formal investigation was ever made.

1.5 I Don't Get It: What Does This Have To Do With Me

        It has, unfortunately, EVERYTHING to do with you.  On every
square centimeter of your skin, in your mouth and eyes are MILLIONS of
these RNA paramecia, originally synthesized in a Colorado laboratory
but escaped into the world, to replicate freely for nearly thirty
years.  The paramecia are airborne.  They travel quickly.

        Excepting the darkest regions of Antarctica, there is now no
place in the world where you can go to remove yourself from this
hideous pestilence.  Neither soap nor Betadine is effective against
these paramecia, which are too small to be affected by these
conventional hygienic techniques.

        Dr. Kresshausen's original notes have mysteriously vanished
along with him.  Until modern science can replicate the methods by
which Dr. Kresshausen synthesized the original RNA fragments, there is
little hope for containment or cure.

1.6 This Has Got To Be a Joke

        But it makes too much sense.  Life, it seems to you, has a
monotonous, dull, gray-on-black feel to it, doesn't it?  You spend
your days wanting something or someone to show you how to have FUN,
but nothing ever happens, right?  Food, sex, jokes, sleep, laughter,
have all seemed to munge together into a vast milksop melange of
tedium.  Parties, sports, entertainment are all predictable and
repetitive.  You hate your job because people there are NOT LIKE YOU;
you don't imagine that everyone ELSE feels the same pallid cover of
alienation sticking to their bodies, like a coat of grease.

        And so you've done what everyone else tries: you take a
vacation.  Get away from it all.  But while you're burning your skin
with carcinogenic rays on some beach, you can't get away from the
feeling that you've ignored the important things, that you've missed
the bus somehow, that all you've earned is a brief respite from the
vapid to the meaningless.

        This is NOT YOU.  This is NOT YOUR LIFE.  You are fun,
intelligent, witty, desirable, creative.  All these qualities have
been sublimated by your own immune system, producing millions of
antib-RNAs, hogging your life resources, spending your energy and
vitality on these biological-disaster paramecia.

1.7 So Why Hasn't Anyone Figured This Out Before?

        Two reasons.  First, this immunological disease happens to
EVERYBODY, between the ages of seven and ten.  It progresses slowly.
Assuming you don't die in a car crash or get shot in a
convenience-store holdup, you will eventually die from it.  The reason
that more people don't go to their doctors is because everyone suffers
from the same illness.  You hate feeling lonely and empty and
unsatisfied with the best years of your life, but who doesn't?

        Actually, some people do go to their doctors, but the doctors
don't recognize the symptoms because the symptoms occur in every
living human over ten years old.  It even occurs in the doctors
themselves.  People feel the pain and the lack of richness in their
hearts, but the disease hasn't been described or studied.  These
people are labelled as hypochondriacs and are given several weeks'
worth of useless pyschoanalysis.

        The second reason why no one has discovered this disease is
because the paramecia themselves are so small and hardy.  They cannot
be stained.  They cannot be seen under a light microscope.  When
examined under an electron microscope, they instantly decompose into
stable, common elements, giving the impression that there was never
any life there.

        Your happiness has been taken from you.  The conspiracy
against you is a million tiny little semi-lives against your own peace
and sanity.

2.0 Okay, How Can I Get Help?

        That's the easy part.

        You have to become a child again.  You have to get back that
easygoing wide-eyed simplicity that makes joy credible and happiness
obvious.  You have to relax, fundamentally and completely.

        In other words, you have to totally eradicate all the
antib-RNAs from the inside out.  These antib-RNAs affect the way you
behave.  They affect your central nervous system.  The only effective
means of fighting them is to get control of your mind.

        If you haven't met Him yet, we envy you.  But the cure for
your malady is a purple dinosaur.  He lives, and he is the only
scientifically proven method of eradicating the antib-RNA paramecia.
He is your link with your childhood, your freedom, your happiness,
your future.

2.1 Meet Barney

        Barney loves you.  Accept this as the first, most fundamental
fact, and all else follows, as easily as spring follows winter.

        Barney is a big, friendly, beautiful purple dinosaur.  You may
have heard Him singing happily, on the radio or on television, to
children.  He especially likes children, because they are the ones who
are most naturally free of the antib-RNA paramecia.  Barney gives the
little children presents, and games, and songs, and expects nothing in
return.  Barney works for free!

        And the children love Barney.  You can see it.  Just plop down
any self-respecting three-year-old in front of a picture tube and
watch their beautiful smiles light up with recognition and love as the
good Barney takes them through the regular schedule of merriment and

        Barney is the antithesis of crime and poverty and malnutrition
and hopelessness.  Barney makes no secret of this; you may have heard
one of his more recent hits, "I Love You."  In this masterwork, Barney
tells us that we are indeed a happy family, and that we should combine
our love and power, united, indivisible under Barney.  How much better
would the world be if we did this?  How many nights of fear under the
nuclear umbrella would vanish, like so many nightmares in the warm

        Barney's smile is the first thing you will see.  The grin is
ear-to-ear.  His happiness permeates you like a golden ray of
sunshine, filling you instantly with a feeling of goodwill and
generosity.  This is normal.  Then you see Barney's eyes, round and
full of kindness, reminding you of pleasant games and stories that you
haven't thought of since you were just a tyke.  And should you ever
have the chance to hug Barney -- to fit in his warm, cuddly, loving,
welcome-home embrace -- you will touch His soft purple pelt and
suddenly cry at the realization that heaven is in fact on earth, that
your petty concerns and hang-ups are meaningless next to the
transfinite splendor of Barney.

2.2 But Barney Is a Kid's Show

        Yes.  And you need to love Him immediately.

        Thugs on the street, with twenty-four gauge shotguns and
cellar smiles, need to love Barney.  Killer prostitutes with AIDS and
heroin habits will see no salvation nor redemption without the love of
Barney.  Thick-pocketed politicians scam all day and fatten their bank
accounts with your hard labor, and it will not change until the
thousand-watt power of Barney bursts forth into their meager lives.

        Barney contains the will, the plan, the FORCE to cleanse your
nervous system of the vile antib-RNA paramecia.  The thrilling shock,
the immaculate ZAP of The Great Purple One coarsing through your
spinal cord is enough to FRY THOSE PARAMECIA instantly.  Want to LIVE

        Oh, but Barney is for kids, right?  Well.  If you haven't
danced the Cooperation Dance and if you haven't sung the Caring is
Sharing song, you have not presumed to LIVE yet.  You are middle-aged
and dead on arrival, friend.  You want, no, you REQUIRE an infusion of
that purple thunder into your mind to free yourself from your
self-conception!  You need to be REBUILT in the image of the Perfect

        You think Barney is kid's stuff?  Well, less than one month
ago, Barney Research Medical Laboratories perfected a technology by
which children that have been recently killed in a traumatic accident
have been brought back to life.  Miracle?  Perhaps.  Or perhaps it was
Barney's utter dedication to pushing the envelope in bioengineering

2.3 Where Is Barney?

        It is true that Barney can, and often does, exist in material
form.  However, Barney is ubiquitous, and Barney is forever.

        If you take but one step towards Barney, Barney will take two
steps toward you.  If you are willing to honestly say, "Barney, I have
not sang the 'I Love You' song," Barney will suddenly appear and lead
you in a few bars.  If you sing the "I Love You" song all by yourself,
Barney will hear it ... and, even though He might be a thousand miles
away, he will finish the verse in unison with you.

        Barney has a vast unmapped network of minions, always
surveying and scanning for people in pain, people in need, people
affected gravely by the antib-RNA paramecia.  Barney's minions are
infused with the effervescent purple power of The Great One.  If you
reach out to Barney, chances are that a minion will be there to take
your hand.  If you want to describe to Barney how the antib-RNA has
made you slowly sicken, describe it in detail to a minion, and the
news will certainly filter up to the ever-loving Barney.

        Because of this network of pure love, Barney can never be
destroyed.  How can you destroy love?  How can you destroy beauty?
How can you destroy a healthy snack?

        Speak softly, and Barney will hear.  Request instructions on
how to be nice, to be healthy, to rid yourself of the antib-RNA, and
they will be granted to you, with no reservations.

        Barney loves you.  Barney loves you more than any other
quadruped on the planet does.  Won't you say you love Him too?

2.4 Don't Know Yet

        If there is one thing in the world that Barney would like to
do most of all, it is to destroy all antib-RNA.  These are the tools
of sadness, the genesis of pain in today's world.  Barney Research
Medical Laboratories have worked around the clock since 1985,
ceaselessly pursuing a cure, against appalling technical and financial

        Barney wants to help you.  Barney is giving his very existence
to free you from this accelerated death process.  Barney is giving
himself to save you.

        And Barney knows that every minute, every second is absolutely
critical.  He is working against the big red clock at Barney Research
Medical Laboratories, the one that is ticking relentlessly toward a
zero-hour on December 12, 1999.  You think your life is bad now, don't
you?  You have no idea.  You have absolutely no idea, yet.

3.0 In the Near Future

        We should warn you, first of all, that the future may not be
what you imagine.  Things in life often do not turn out the Hollywood
way that we want them to, and when we know something bad will happen,
we feel cheated or abused.  Remember that while these predictions are
absolutely true, they may be avoided.

        The most usual, most constant natural catastrophes in the
world are earthquakes.  They kill thousands per year, usually in
heavily populated areas.  Scientists cannot predict them.  They are
relentless.  Our understanding of the earth's crust and its movements
are somewhat limited, because our deepest mine shafts run less than a
kilometer deep.  Scientists have no way of really knowing what's going
on more than two miles beneath the earth's crust.

        Recent earthquakes are a series of PLANNED ATTACKS on our
civilization.  The final one WILL COME ON DECEMBER 12, 1999, AT 0534
GMT.  This will be a world-wide quake of magnitude 11.2 on the Richter
scale.  At least 24 million people will die instantly.  No human-made
structure larger than a doghouse will remain standing.

        After this final attack, the Wuns will travel to the surface
via a series of camouflaged tunnels into all major world cities.  The
Wuns are a race of half-human, half-rodent beings that were described
four decades ago by Barney.  They inhabit between three and five miles
deep in the earth, above the mantle of magma, subtly manipulating the
geological plates to cause maximal damage to buildings and people on
the surface.  For the past nine thousand years, their race has existed
relatively peaceably.  However, the random drifting of the antib-RNA
into their society in the past twenty-five years has made them more
aggressive and more predatory.

        Barney is apparently aware of their social structure and even
a little of their language, but he prefers not to talk about their
existence, for fear of creating a panic.

        And panic is the last thing you need to do right now.

3.1 Should I Stock Up on Water and Supplies

        Sure, and after the Quake you will be hunted down by the Wuns
and imprisoned in the burning-hot caverns and worked to death.  After
you die, you will be recycled as food.  You would probably prefer to
have died in the Quake.

        Barney can't protect you from the Quake.  But he can protect
you from the Wuns, when they come.  The awesomely perfect power of
Purple is enough to drive a whole horde of Wuns cringing and scurrying
for cover.

        If Barney Research Medical Laboratories fails to create an
injectable form of the purple power of Barney by 1999, the antib-RNA
infection will continue to spread and worsen in both the human and Wun
populations.  Assuming you survive the earthquake, you will need to
defend yourself against the invading Wuns.  It's possible that you may
be able to stock up on guns, explosives, dried food, water, clothing,
et cetera, to keep yourself and your family safe for a couple months.

        But if you don't know Barney by 1999, you will eventually be
consumed by the ravaging Wuns.  Barney protects his own, and the rest
will be lost in the ensuing Armageddon.

        Barney Research Medical Laboratories has prepared a secret
site in Nevada, far away from any mine shafts, for this final stand
against the Wuns.  Barney has stockpiled weapons and supplies.  Barney
has created a stable barracks with hundreds of seat-belted personal
containment units for riding out the Quake.  More important, He has
designed and constructed an earthquake-proof hydroponics laboratory
capable of indefinitely sustaining a colony of five thousand people.

        After the Quake, people will be banging on the sole,
reinforced two-foot steel door to the colony.  But Barney will not
open the door.  He will shed a big purple tear for the lost souls
outside, who could have loved Barney before the Quake, but chose not
to.  And He will rejoin his five thousand friends in the huge bunker,
and sing a few songs, and eat healthy snacks from the hydroponics lab,
and He will wait for the rebirth of the world.  After a long, long
time, Barney and these people will start the world's life over again.

3.2 How Do I Get In

        Love Barney as much as He loves you.  You must sing songs of
praise to Barney.  You must eat only heathy snacks.

        Be like Barney in all things.  Naturally, your teeth may not
be as big as Barney's teeth.  Barney understands this.

        Share all your things.  Cooperate.  It is also important to
pretend once in a while.

        Buy Barney merchandise.  If you do not have enough money to
buy Barney merchandise, you can make your own out of paper plates,
macaroni, glue, and a purple magic marker.

        Don't pick your nose.  Barney can't stand people who pick
their noses.

        Spread the good word of Barney.  SPREAD THE PURPLE BOOK, to as
many relatives, co-workers, and friends as possible.  Barney will keep
score for you.  When you meet an enemy of Barney, give them The Purple
Book and a healthy snack.  You might make a new friend, and so might

        If you feel the urge to eat an unhealthy snack, immediately
contact your nearest minion.  They will immediately bring you carrot
sticks and milk.

        To let Barney know that you are ready to join Him in the next
millenium, just sing this happy song over and over, until Barney hears

                "I love you, you love me,
                we're a happy family,
                With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you,
                Won't you say you love me too?"

3.3 Barney's Prayer

        "Blessed are the minions, for theirs is the kingdom of Purple.
I will have carrot sticks and milk, and want not; for cheeseburgers
and french fries are full of the antib-RNA.  I prepareth for the great
Quake, and The Purple One watcheth over me with the staff of Barney
Research Medical Laboratories, and it is good.  I believeth that
caring is sharing, and vice versaeth; thy scepter of might shall smote
the Wuns into small bits.  For Barney is that which is Purple, and
that which is not Purple, is not.  Amen."  [Play organ music here.]

3.4 A Message from Barney

        "Hello!  I think you're super-dee-duper!  I want you to know
that I love you.  We are working very, very hard to save you!  But
working like this is very, very expensive.  That means it costs a lot
of money!

        "Do you love me?  I wish you would!  I bet that if you loved
me, that you would buy my merchandise!  Merchandise means all the
dolls and books and records that have me ... Barney! ... on them!

        "If you don't love me, that's okay!  But I don't know if I can
protect you from the Wuns, then!  Hyuck, hyuck!

        "You are my very special friend.  There's only one of you in
this world.  I would hate to let the Wuns get you.  So let's be
together all the time!  I hope that you will be my friend, too!"


3.5 Conclusion

        Barney is life; antib-RNA is death.

        Barney is capable of saving you from ultimate destruction from
the mindless antib-RNA and from the evil Wuns.  There is no
protection, except the protection of Barney.

        Barney would use his purple forces to make you join him, to
save you against your will.  But Barney wants you to join him, of your
own free will, while you still have a free will.

        Barney can rejuvenate you, give you hope, show you which
snacks are healthy and which ones are not.

        The facts are clear.  Delay no longer.