From senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!enterpoop.mit.edu!world!decwrl!netcomsv!netcom.com!mbondr Wed Jun 16 13:17:20 EDT 1993 Article: 120 of alt.guinea.pig.conspiracy Newsgroups: alt.guinea.pig.conspiracy Path: senator-bedfellow.mit.edu!enterpoop.mit.edu!world!decwrl!netcomsv!netcom.com!mbondr From: email@example.com (Mark Bondurant) Subject: Early Man and the Guinea Pig Message-ID:
Organization: NETCOM On-line Communication Services (408 241-9760 guest) Date: Sun, 13 Jun 1993 15:35:09 GMT Lines: 127 "Early Man and the Guinea Pig" by Mark Bondurant and Stacy Gordon firstname.lastname@example.org The earliest evidence of early man's involvement with the Guinea Pig involved the airborne aspects of the primordial Guinea Pig. Primitive apes perhaps first encountered Guinea Pigs as they grubbed for roots in the underbrush of the antediluvian forests. Tossing them aside (no small feat as early Guinea Pigs weighed over 40 pounds) they continued digging. Eventually someone realized that their round shape gave them amazing aerodynamic qualities and their razor sharp incisors, formerly a nuisance made a terrific weapon. Evidence of Guinea Pigs embedded in the sides of fossil trees gives credence to their use as weapons of war and hunting. This evidence of man's relationship with these early hunting pigs predates the earliest evidence of domestic dogs by over 5000 years. Even today there are still examples of this hunting relationship to be found in the wilds of northern Siberia and in many college dorms. It was across the Siberia-Alaska land bridge that the early pig found it's way to the Americas. It is a little known fact that the Buffalo is a relative of the common household Guinea Pig. Indian legends of "Little Pig", friend of Coyote, who gave man the gift of celery and lettuce, abound in Indian culture. The Little Pig mythos is a common theme throughout the Americas. Few examples of pig totems are known though, as their small size makes them hard to find. Many examples of Guinea Pigs can be found in both Aztec and Mayan art. The Aztecs believed that the city of Tenochtitlan, present day Mexico City was built on the back of a wallowing Guinea Pig. Greens were banned inside the city for fear that the Great Pig might be aroused and the earth would quake. The loss of greens as sacrifices to the Great Pig were so great the entire empire fell due to constipation. Guinea Pigs were used both in combat and play. The Conquistadors brought back horrific tales telling of the dreadful squeal of the Mayan battle pigs as they were thrown into battle. The Codex Mendoza displays a fine example of a game where pigs were tossed through hoops attached to the sides of a large square court. Early attempts at European colonization of the Americas were foiled when gifts of sacred pigs from local tribes were promptly by the newcomers. These colonists were slaughtered. The lack of Guinea Pigs in Europe is primarily due to this habit of "Guinebalism", the eating of Guinea Pigs. Ancient tales of St. Patrick, who drove the Guinea Pigs from Ireland for their safety and replaced them with the potato, can still be heard in taverns. The last pig in England was known to have been eaten by Queen Elizabeth the First. It is written that she remarked that it was a bit "anemic" as she tucked in. Ancient examples of belt pouches and pig flutes, made from the whole hides of Guinea Pigs, have been found in caves in Germany. The German Pig Flute and its successor, the bag pipe, are unique in the history of man. In the case of the pig flute an entire Guinea Pig hide was sewn together into more or less the original shape of the pig from which it was taken. A small reed was then inserted into the anus. The musician then inflated the skin through the mouth. Holding the mouth closed and squeezing the skin caused the flute to emit its characteristic "skreee skreee" sound. Villagers in the Alps still use these instruments to communicate across vast distances as the sound echoes nicely down the canyons. Until it's reimportation from the east, the Guinea Pig was extinct in Europe centuries before the expansion of the Roman Empire. The Arabs were forced to import them from China. Desert Pigs have always played a vital role in man's survival in the Sahara Desert. Their uncanny ability to home in on greenery and to burrow have saved many a caravan. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon were designed to house the court pigs. The Greeks named the constellation "Grunties" after the pig Grunta, sent by Athena to warn the them of the impending invasion by Persia. Ancient Egyptians and Kushites trained the Tailed Pig to fish. Rocks were tied to the pigs so that they could submerge and small nooses were tied around their necks so that they could be retrieved. The nooses allowed the pigs to only hold their catches in their mouths, but not to swallow. The fishermen dragged the pigs back and kept two out of every three fish. The Ancient Tailed Pig is now extinct due to the greed of the Chinese pharmacist. The tails were prized for their curative powers and high vitamin C content. Caravans between the Middle East and China were plagued by the Abominable Snow Pig as they passed through the mountains of Nepal. White furred, they traveled in packs, sliding across the snow on their bellies. They would attack caravans to get at the feed of the pack animals. This proved to be such a great nuisance that the Great Kahn himself decreed that elephants should be sent with the pack trains through the passes just to trample the little "vermin". This tactic proved to be largely ineffective and to this day climbers in Tibet still claim to hear the shrill squeak of the Abominable Snow Pig before major avalanches and rock falls. Guinea Pigs, by way of their amazing swimming ability, managed to spread south from China to Indonesia, New Guinea (named after these amazing animals), and finally to Australia, where they established strong footholds. But never to Japan. This is perhaps due to the swift currents in the Sea of Japan, or perhaps they never managed to gain a significant presence there because of their resemblance to some forms of sushi. The natives in the New Zealand highlands call them "cavy-pell-ets", which translates as "sweet little legless apes". Their origin is still a mystery. They are officially categorized as "mammals", but only temporarily. There is a great deal of debate over their official status. United Nations Resolution 112-93, if passed will create a new species category - porcus guineas tuberous. Doctor Bjorn Sagaberg of the Mars Vin Institute, a center for Guinea Pig study in Sweden argues strongly for an extraterrestrial origin for the Guinea Pig. Their lack of viable ancestors (this has been backed by laborious genetic testing) and their appearance twenty thousand years ago in Siberia at the site of a large meteor strike, argue strongly for a Venusian origin. Venusian or not, they are unarguably one of man's greatest allies. There can be no doubt that the pig-man relationship has lasted tens of thousands of years. It's benefits are seen all around us. How could we have built our great cities, highways, and technology without the help of the "little ones". As both races grow we can only wish that it lasts ten thousand more.