The Fastest Tentacle in the West
by
JigSaw Productions

Commonly Known Background:  The film takes place in Gopher City, Territory 
of Kansas in October 1856.  Thanks to Senator Douglas’ repeal of the Nebraska 
Compromise these are violent times in the Territory as the Abolitionists and the 
Pro-Slavery factions are battling it out over the future of Kansas.  Kansas City is 
the capitol according to the Pro-Slavery faction while Topeka is the rightful 
capitol claim the Abolitionists.  Gopher City lies smack dab in the middle both 
literally and figuratively.  President Buchanan was just sworn in as the president 
in February 1856.  Senator Sumner was beaten into unconsciousness by a die 
hard adversary from South Carolina on the floor of the Capitol chambers!  John 
Brown is currently on trial for the Kansas Massacre.  Yes, most citizens in Kansas 
are armed to the teeth and dangerous!  Only the crazy, wanted or both wander 
into Kansas Territory.  This will someday be known as “The Great American 
Desert”, and Kansas has little to offer with the exception of freezing winters, 
blistering summers, no water and constantly blowing wind.  It was a time and a 
place when anything could happen!  Gopher City stands on the rail between 
Kansas City and Topeka.   Gopher City has a population of approximately 250 
citizens plus an additional 75 to 100 “guests” depending on the weather and time 
of year.  Gopher City makes its living primarily through the cattle trade.  A few 
indigent farmers eke out an existence from the miserly prairie earth.  Gopher City 
is served by a newspaper called the “Gopher City Times” which comes out each 
Friday.  The terrain around Gopher City is primarily flat with rolling hills.  The 
main exception to this is Mystic Mountain which lies approximately 25 miles 
north of the city.  Mystic Mountain is a holy place to the Cthulhu-Ftagn Indian 
tribe.  Most of the tribe was slaughtered by the sane tribes surrounding it long 
ago, but those few hardy survivors cling tenaciously to Mystic Mountain which is 
a holy (unholy?) place for them.  

The Story to Date:  On Thursday, October 2, 1856, a huge fireball crossed the sky 
directly over the top of Gopher City and impacted in the vicinity of Mystic 
Mountain.  Many took this as a sign from the Almighty as to His significant 
displeasure over the current fussing in Kansas over the legality of slavery.  The 
impact from the fireball was felt as far away as Topeka, and several sections of 
the rail had to be replaced.  Ever since that time, strange things have been 
occurring in the vicinity of Gopher City.  Cattle have been found mutilated.  
Sheep have been found painted hot pink.  Most people attributed these things to 
wolves or stray coyotes, but the good citizens of Gopher City could not ignore 
the last occurrence on October 22.  Lil’ Jimmy, the good natured cripple and 
everyone’s friend, was abducted from his bedroom!  The only clue as to the 
guilty party was a trail of slime leading directly back to Mystic Mountain.  Some 
folks think that the Indians are responsible.  Others think that it is the work of 
devils and demons conjured up by all the hate in the Territory.  Still others 
believe that giant prairie worms have been released by all the “sod busters”, 
farmers, and no one is safe any longer.  The Gopher City Marshall Big Bad Bob 
rounded up every able bodied volunteer and swore them in as deputies.  The 
stars of the film are all newly sworn in deputies.  Most of the stars, Smelly Bart, 
Kitty Warbucks, Tiny Jones, James T. Jones and Gimpy Olson are local citizens, 
but two of the deputies, Arthur M. Robbins and Silky Six-shooter, recently 
drifted into town.  There are several extras assigned as deputies as well.  The 
extras are all identified by the red shirts they wear.  

Persona Dramatis

Smelly Bart:  is a drover and works out of the Drovers’ Livery in town.  Smelly is 
known for being flippant but emotional.   Smelly has traveled extensively and 
was known to be a sailor for a time.  Smelly picked up the use of bolo’s during 
his travels.  Smelly is very punctual.  He has two things that plague him secretly.  
Smelly’s sweetheart and he had a terrible fight about a year ago.  She was so 
angry she stormed out of town.  No one ever saw her again.  Smelly blames 
himself for her disappearance.  Although he searched high and low, the only 
thing that Smelly ever found was her shawl.  Smelly also had an unusual 
childhood.  He was raised in Sarnath, Massachusetts until his 14th birthday.  
Imbolc of that year brought doom to Sarnath.  Smelly was the only survivor.  
People looked funny at Smelly after that; he finally had to move out West.  
Smelly is helping out Marshall Bob for civic reasons.

Kitty Warbucks:  They say people say ghosts the day Kitty was born, and now 
days people would say you will be haunted by Kitty’s beauty the rest of your life 
if you spy her in work at Hoover’s Wholesale Liquor and Saloon.  Kitty was 
selected as the special advisor to the territorial governor, Sam Belson, pertaining 
to issues of tariffs and Indian resettlement.  Little did Governor Belson know that 
Kitty was part of the ill fated Corn Huskers’ rebellion not many years ago!  Kitty 
lived in Witchita back then and had to flee when the rebellion faltered.  She lived 
in the mountains for a time and picked up some mountaineering skills.  Most 
people who know Kitty would describe her as being benign and very friendly.  If 
pressed, people might also mentions that Kitty drinks up most of the profits at 
Hoover’s.  Kitty agreed to be deputized to keep her on the wagon a few more 
days.  Hey!  Quit?  Sure Kitty can quit!  She has already done it dozens of times!

Silky Six-shooter:  is a drifter, and she just wandered into town about a week 
ago.  Silky is currently staying at Hoover’s.  Although she is a stranger, folks here 
in Gopher City give her a wide berth.  It might have something to do with that 
outlaw she plugged through the temple at 100 paces the first day she was in 
town, or it might just be that people all have seasonal affective disorder.  Who 
can rightly say?  Silky is a bounty hunter, and she came to town for a particular 
bounty to collect.  She is looking for one each Peter J. Smith who escaped from a 
“crazy house” out East.  You tracked Smith all the way to Kansas City, but you 
lost him there.  That was six years ago.  You think that Old Pete might be right 
here in Gopher City.  The family is offering $250 in gold eagles to you if you can 
kill Pete and prove his death.  From what you know of him, he might have 
something to do with what happened.  People who know Silky are dead, but if 
someone alive did know Silky they would describe her as careful and pessimistic.  
There is certainly no one who is alive who would reveal that Silky is a 
hypochondriac.  Silky can predict the weather based on the pain in her shoulders.  
Silky has a very nice horse.  Silky is going on the posse to improve her chances of 
spotting Pete.  

Tiny Jones:  is the town blacksmith and he is anything but tiny.  Tiny is a 
Mormon.  He is virtuous and introverted, and some would describe Tiny as 
being Quixotic.  Tiny sees a “miracle” in everything, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!  He 
has the ability to perform arithmetic quickly in his head.  He has a faithful sheep 
dog named Akira.  Akira is trained to do simple tricks such as:  hold ace in 
mouth between hands under card table, urinate on banker’s leg, etc.  About six 
years ago Tiny’s father passed away.  Didn’t bother him much; he hated the 
bastard.  But, Tiny did come in possession of a little book covered with a real nice 
fine grained leather, kind of dun colored.  The book was blank up until this 
month and now suddenly “thar is sum goddum werts in this’in har’ book!”  If 
only Tiny could read!  Tiny is going on the posse to relieve the endless boredom 
of living in Gopher City.  

Arthur M. Robbins:  is also new to town.  Mr. Robbins is an investigator of the 
occult.  There was an escape from a sanitarium some years ago by one Mr. Peter 
J. Smith, III.  The scene was grisly, and Mr. Smith was blamed for the death of the 
night watchman.  But, something about the crime bothered you!  You paid the 
local undertaker, Mr. H.P. Lovecraft, to help you ex-hume the body.  Further 
investigation revealed that the teeth marks on the body “could not have been the 
work of humans!”  Mr. Robbins has had the theory for some time that the Earth is 
frequently visited by a group of aliens known only as the Splorkoids.  He first 
found evidence for this while examing the Aztec book of life while in Spanish 
Republic of Mexico.  Apparently, Mr. Smith was espousing much the same 
theory shortly before he left the sanitarium.  Mr. Robbins wants to find Mr. Smith 
and bring him safely back to Arkham, Massachusetts where Mr. Smith can be 
questioned at length.  Mr. Robbins is a very giving person, but he is also in search 
of the ultimate form of pleasure possible.  He has a fear of heights, and Mr. 
Robbins prefers to spend his time at the card table where he can use his ability at 
card sharking to make a little money on the side.  He is ambidextrous and can 
use his feet to fire if pressed.  Mr. Robbins had a run in with the Marshall when 
he first got to town and his going on the posse to clear his name.

James T. Jones:  is the local lawyer.  Mr. Jones is very thrifty and very curious.  
This curiosity got him into trouble in Abelene.  Mr. Jones dug a little too far into a 
murder trial for his client and ended up being run out of town on a rail.  Mr. 
Jones’ wife, Puppy Warbucks, is the sister of the Kitty Warbucks who bartends at 
Hoover’s.  With no where to go, anyway is the right direction and Mr. Jones 
decided he might as well go to Gopher City where at least he has some in-laws.  
Mr. Jones is very conscious of his appearance and is constantly primping himself.  
His features are quite pale; one would call him an albino except that his eyes are 
pigmented, bright green.  Mr. Jones believes in political action and is an active 
member of the Abolitionist party.  He can really cut the rug when it comes time 
to dance, and Mr. Jones is an outrageous flirt.  Mr. Jones is going on the posse, 
because he is curious about what really happened.

Gimpy Olson:  is a livestock trader.  He works out of the Well’s Fargo office.  Mr. 
Olson has a peculiar background.  He was adopted and never knew his real 
parents.  Both of his foster parents died mysteriously about a year later.  Mr. 
Olson was placed in an orphanage, and the orphanage burned to the ground.  
Finally, he made his way out West.  The wagon train was sacked and burned by 
the Cthulhu-Ftagn Indian tribe just outside of Gopher City.  Well it must of been 
the work of providence, because things have gone well for Mr. Olson ever 
since...until now that is!  No one is bringing their cattle to Gopher City knowing 
that the livestock is liable to be mutilated before it can be sold.  Mr. Olson had a 
run in with Black Bart, the notorious outlaw, about four years ago.  Black Bart 
was on a killing spree and shot six bystanders to death.  Gimpy was lucky. He 
escaped with this life, but his left kneecap was shattered.  Gimpy is going on the 
posse to get to the cause of the cattle mutilations and stop them.

Cast of Extras

Big Bad Bob:  is the city Marshall.  He is neither competent nor agreeable.  He 
begs to killed early in the film.  He wears a big white hat and a red bandanna.

Black Bart:  is a notorious outlaw.  He favors gems and jewelry in particular.  He 
is completely diabolic and is infamous for his blind rages and killing sprees.    He 
wears black.

Old Pete: is the town drunk.  He is a lovable old guy, and most folks in town 
have bought drinks for him now and then.  His “stories” become more 
interesting the more red liquor Pete has.  He came to town in 1850.

Nameless Extras:  are the common folk of Gopher City.  Most of them wear read 
flannel shirts.  Many of them carry items labeled “NCC-1701-security 
detachment, landing parties”.  They have been chosen for their collective abilities 
to perform dramatic deaths.